wheels a fortune

Is it bad that I really want this bicycle I just designed with the Urban Outfitters "Build A Bike" website? I admittedly know nothing about bikes, but I do know that I love my color choice, that retro looking frame, and oh my goodness, would you look at that two-tone seat! Gah. I also know that $399 is so far out of my price range, it'd take me at least ten years on this bicycle to get there.

Urban also sells baskets, 

which I would fill up with all sort of useful things like 

flowers, sandwiches, a boombox, and kittens.

Or of course I could always DIY this thang. I'm sure I have some antlers and a few cans of gold spray paint hangin' around somewhere. Although, I imagine a ride on this could get pretty painful, not only for my phalanges, but also for the rest of the world, considering how many pedestrians I am bound to run into.

So for now I suppose I will just stick to watching cutesy homemade vintage music videos of songs about bicycles and roller skates. Ah, roller skates! A cheaper, easier way to plant my face into the pavement. If only I had more balance, athletic abilities, and/or muscle mass. I could have been so cute this summer.

Ah well, all is not lost! I can still invest in these adorable little vintage bicycle inspired trinkets. And dreams! I still have my dreams! Eh? Eh? Eh.

Hair Raising

What they really do with Locks of Love...

Actually...if I was terminally ill I think I would rather have this than a creepy old wig. Wigs are hot and itchy and unnatural looking. Whereas being bald and sporting a braided hairpiece necklace is badass.

This furry necklace by Grau Wal is actually made of synthetic hair, but it's more fun pretending it's from the human head. If I didn't have an adolescent boy's haircut I would totally make my own custom rattail neckpiece!

But either way, the Grau Wal "pieces containing hair can be ordered in black, dark brown, blonde, white, dark grey, and red." You can even get a matching bracelet too!

http://grauwal.com/collection.html

Balloon Brooch Babe

This adorable wooden and chain brooch was made by England based jewelry line Stolen Thunder, whose beautiful and unique pieces encourage its customers to steal back their thunder from the consumer led hunger for cheap, soulless items, mass produced without love or identity.

The delightful trinket also comes in white, and can be worn as a cardigan pin by fastening it to each side of your cardi. Here is how Parisian fashion blogger Alix wore her's.

stolenthunderboutique.com
thecherryblossomgirl.com

Amorous Anatomy

For all my single ladies out there who aren't planning on getting a ring on it by this Valentine's Day (I'm talking wedding ring, engagement ring, promise ring, complimentary onion rings...what have you) here are some sweet, cynical, and little more literal ideas to spend on the other single ladies in your life.

Heart Necklace
lilliancrowe.etsy.com
A beautifully crafted anatomically correct piece of amorous anatomy. It comes in many metals, but my personal favorite is this one in oxidized copper, which gives it a more antique quality, for those like me who are old at heart and obsessed with anything vintage, used, or ugly.

Bleeding Heart Cupcakes
http://www.yumsugar.com/1024600
Share your angst and conquer your sweet tooth
at the same time with these bloody Valentines.

Eat Your Heart Out Small Oval Plate
foldedpig.etsy.com
Perfect for eating your above hemorrhaging dessert on.

I personally find V-Day way more fun when I don't have anyone to buy me onion rings. But I guess I do have the bleeding heart of a cynic. I find cynicism funny. Perfection is boring, and no one else wants to hear how happy you are. Plus, nothing brings people together like hating something, am I right? But seriously, I enjoy painting my nails black (like my soul) and my lips (blood) red, getting pumped to "Sex Bomb", wishing people a happy Venereal Disease, and exchanging goodies with people who I know will never break my heart or make me incinerate perfectly good jewelry, underwear, or photobooth pictures a year from now. Unfortunately, this year I have a super sweet someone who already brings me chocolates, buys me dinner, and whispers sweet nothings in my ear year-round, so Valentine's Day is going to have a hard time feeling special. So all you single ladies out there, paint your pouts, exchange some angsty amorous anatomy, juggle some hearts, and rage a little harder for me next Sunday, as I will be wallowing in the arms of my loved one. Or you could just ban together and talk mad shit about me. Whatever makes your bloody Valentine's extra sweet. :)

Wonlist!

Here is a list of items recently coveted
and now the property of yours truly:


Two-tone Boots

urbanoutfitters.com


Lace Bow Front Top

Studded Bow Headband

Satin Chain Necklace w/ Removable Brooches

Native Bead Necklace

Pearlescent Cluster Ring

Corduroy Floral Spaghetti Top

Tutu Mesh Skirt

forever21.com

Libby Wingtips

Bessy Boot in Olive

These shoes are so freaking comfortable. And since all I do is walk around NYC and dance the night away, these are completely justified. And adorable.

tictactoes.com


Symmetry Satin Dress
Perfect for Valentine's Day! :)

Thread Social Sleeveless Tulip Dress
For my birthday!

ebay.com


Seinfeld Complete Series Box Set
(!!!!)

amazon.com

Although, I guess it wasn't the best idea to acquire all this lovely apparel if all I'm going to be doing is watching Seinfeld 24/7...Whoops! ;)

Spine Tingling Adornment

I am so sad that bocagenewyork.com is sold out of their Snake Vertebrae Beads. Now what am I going to make my grandmother for Christmas??

But seriously, how badass would you be walking around, going to the post office, brushing your teeth...with a goddamn snake spine wrapped around your neck?

Dali Body Part Bling

Leaf veined hands you can wear on your ears or pinned to your chest? A diamond encrusted crying eyeball watch? Bling bling appendages for flower petals? Um, YES PLEASE. Dali knew what was up! I actually discovered these little gems pretty randomly. I was just walking down Bedford (a popular street in Williamsburg) sifting through all the books they sell on the side of the road, when I came upon a book devoted entirely to Dali's jewelry designs. How I was not graced with their presence before baffles me. You can view them all, and actually purchase replicas, at www.salvadordalimuseum.org. In addition to the Leaf Vein Hands being my favorite, I am pretty partial to the Living Flower Pin.

Leaf Vein Hand Earrings

Ruby Lips Pin

Eye of Time Pin

This Living Flower pendant would be even better if the hands moved on their own and grabbed flies and loose strands of hair and such.

In addition to the body part bling, I am also quite fond of this Space Elephant brooch.

I also kind of want this as a pet. How do you think I would go about breeding something like that?

The website also had "Dali Inspired" pieces.

Which involved melting clock wristwatches, that I'm pretty into.

As well as these, which I am really confused about. Can someone please refresh my memory as to the correlation between Salvador Dali and dangly, silver-plated clumps of dead baby fairy skulls? Anyone?

Bloody Good

Vampire Bear Necklace

Beary cute. Bloody awesome.

Honestly, what more could you ask for than a 

rabid, neck-munching polymer clay teddy dangling in front of your chest?

I can think of very few things.

One might involve a giant, floating trampoline.

DeliciousHobo.etsy.com

celebrate your inner beauty

With your very own vagina necklace!

The creator also goes on to inform the customers how they can

contact her with an exact description (or a few pictures for the

more confident) of their own unique vaginas for a custom job.

Like they say:

If you got it, flaunt it!

VulvaLoveLovely.etsy.com