Sunday, October 30, 2011

Spilling my guts on Halloween

'Twas the morning before the Saturday night before Halloween,
When all through Brooklyn
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Subway rat
The sexy costumes were hung by the radiator with care,
In hopes that some dick would soon be in there;
The sluts were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of dancing half naked ran through their heads;
And Mike in his hoodie, and me in my puffy coat,
Had just walked outside for a mid-morning coffee,
When out on the street there arose such a sight,
I held out my hands, and much to my delight, 
It was fucking snowing in October! A LOT.
Here's to hoping Halloween sluts melt in snow.

[Also, I know this was a spoof on a Christmas poem, but I just watched "The Nightmare Before Christmas", and it's blizzarding already, so I'm a little confused.]

But yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't have anything wrong with looking sexy or being a slut. What I have something against is wearing lingerie and a themed hat in public and calling it a costume. What I can't stand, is when something is made sexy that IS NOT SEXY. BY ANY MEANS. A police officer wears pants, thank you very much. A rabbi would never be caught dead in a corset. Raggedy Anne is a children's toy for Christ's sake. If you want to dress like a slut, that's fine, but just admit you are going as a stripper. I will not have you ruin Harry Potter for me, just so you can add to your venereal disease collection or the plethora of pictures of you kissing girls on the internet.

So here's me, "spilling my guts".

I picked up a nude body suit and tights from American Apparel, and some fake intestines and a jug of blood from a costume shop. I sewed an uneven line down a leg of the tights, cut of the excess, turned it inside out, stuffed it with muslin fabric, and soaked it in fake blood. I also strategically drenched myself in the mess. I hot glued/safety pinned the plastic fake intestines I bought to the leotard. Then I proceeded to dry myself and the intestines I made for what seemed like way too many spooky jams and hot apple ciders later. I had to wear a huge, waterproof puffy coat over my ensemble, so I needed to make sure I wouldn't freeze my tits off or ruin my coat. Once everything was dry, I hand sewed the rest of the intestines onto the leotard, making sure to drape them ever so disgustingly.

What I wore under my enormous, green, Arctic conditions, extremely unsexy monster puffy coat...

Happy Halloween! 
Even to the sexy sluts! Just remember, there will be someone like me coming up behind you and trying to hump your bare ass with their intestines.


Emily Rose said...

hahah! i love you girl. this looks awesome, i dont think i would have been able to pull it off this well. and one thing i hate about all those sexy costumes is that they cost like 80 bucks! and its basically a hat and a thong! rip off man.

claud-hop said...

Excellent costume, and excellent rant, something I too have felt strongly about for years. This Halloween (dressed as Wendy Torrance in her infamous baseball bat scene) I actually saw a "sexy" Sherlock Holmes.

jonpauldouglass said...

This is amazing.

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