Spilling my guts on Halloween

'Twas the morning before the Saturday night before Halloween,

When all through Brooklyn

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Subway rat

The sexy costumes were hung by the radiator with care,

In hopes that some dick would soon be in there;

The sluts were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of dancing half naked ran through their heads;

And Mike in his hoodie, and me in my puffy coat,

Had just walked outside for a mid-morning coffee,

When out on the street there arose such a sight,

I held out my hands, and much to my delight, 

It was fucking snowing in October! A LOT.

Here's to hoping Halloween sluts melt in snow.

[Also, I know this was a spoof on a Christmas poem, but I just watched "The Nightmare Before Christmas", and it's blizzarding already, so I'm a little confused.]

But yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't have anything wrong with looking sexy or being a slut. What I have something against is wearing lingerie and a themed hat in public and calling it a costume. What I can't stand, is when something is made sexy that IS NOT SEXY. BY ANY MEANS. A police officer wears pants, thank you very much. A rabbi would never be caught dead in a corset. Raggedy Anne is a children's toy for Christ's sake. If you want to dress like a slut, that's fine, but just admit you are going as a stripper. I will not have you ruin Harry Potter for me, just so you can add to your venereal disease collection or the plethora of pictures of you kissing girls on the internet.

So here's me, "spilling my guts".

I picked up a nude body suit and tights from American Apparel, and some fake intestines and a jug of blood from a costume shop. I sewed an uneven line down a leg of the tights, cut of the excess, turned it inside out, stuffed it with muslin fabric, and soaked it in fake blood. I also strategically drenched myself in the mess. I hot glued/safety pinned the plastic fake intestines I bought to the leotard. Then I proceeded to dry myself and the intestines I made for what seemed like way too many spooky jams and hot apple ciders later. I had to wear a huge, waterproof puffy coat over my ensemble, so I needed to make sure I wouldn't freeze my tits off or ruin my coat. Once everything was dry, I hand sewed the rest of the intestines onto the leotard, making sure to drape them ever so disgustingly.

What I wore under my enormous, green, Arctic conditions, extremely unsexy monster puffy coat...

Happy Halloween! 

Even to the sexy sluts! Just remember, there will be someone like me coming up behind you and trying to hump your bare ass with their intestines.

Shades of Nude

So I saw this fantastic "nude" sequined bodysuit on someone's Tumblr feed recently (if someone can point me in the right direction of where it originated, that would be most appreciated), and it reminded me of this amazing jacket I saw a while ago by the insanely talented Luxirare.

I mean, could a jacket get any better? Studs, zippers, buckles, lace, mesh, contrasting colors, anatomy, nipple rings, etc! All that and it doesn't look overdone, and is still beautifully crafted and flattering? How does she do it?

Um, is that the female AND male genitalia I spy in a single design? Just when I thought it couldn't get any better!

This is seriously one of the greatest things I've ever seen, and I'm mildly (ahem) obsessed with it. It is amazing craftsmanship + innovative design + flattering fit + humor + anatomy = perfection my eyes. All my favorite things sewn together in this one little jacket. <3

Unfortunately, Luxirare does not sell most of her clothing designs (yet!) which includes this little gem. But I guess we could always buy this:

And cover it in nipple colored sequins or stitch on our own vaginas! Finally, fun for the whole family. Anatomy lesson, arts & crafts, and teenage rebellion all in one!

Head, fingers, knees, & toes!

Is it time to revamp your wardrobe? Well vamp it up with flirty faves like black mesh, ivory lace, and knee highs, but with a slightly morbid twist! Seductive and spooky? Elvira would be proud!

Hands Off Crop Top
by DimePiece

Crochet Skull Skirt

X-Ray Thigh High Socks

shopnastygal.com

Hair Raising

What they really do with Locks of Love...

Actually...if I was terminally ill I think I would rather have this than a creepy old wig. Wigs are hot and itchy and unnatural looking. Whereas being bald and sporting a braided hairpiece necklace is badass.

This furry necklace by Grau Wal is actually made of synthetic hair, but it's more fun pretending it's from the human head. If I didn't have an adolescent boy's haircut I would totally make my own custom rattail neckpiece!

But either way, the Grau Wal "pieces containing hair can be ordered in black, dark brown, blonde, white, dark grey, and red." You can even get a matching bracelet too!

http://grauwal.com/collection.html

Faux Toes

How did I not know about these babies before? These Comme des Garcons gold, toe printed oxfords mesh my foot/shoe fetishes in perfect harmony.

They also come in black and white...

Or moccasin style...

I love anything that is so ugly it's cute.
Like bulldogs. And little old ladies. And beautifully crafted shoes with toes doodled on them.

And then there are these...

The first time I saw these in public I thought the person who was attached to them standing in our local coffee shop was out and about in the freezing weather with no shoes on. Because before such encounter, I was only aware that toe socks existed, certainly not toe shoes. I was pretty convinced this grown man was standing in front of me with only a thin layer of cotton covering each of his appendages. So of course I inquired about his public toe sock logic. He then informed me that they were in fact actual practical shoes on his feet. I then proceeded to laugh uncontrollably for ten minutes and carry on about how great they would be for climbing trees. Although, other than channeling our inner limb swinging primates, I really don't understand these five phalanged friends.

Except that they are fucking hilarious to run into.

Humble Abone

Whether you are planning to redecorate your house in haunted mansion chic, or you are just as obsessed with anything anatomy related that should never be anatomy related (bleeding heart cupcakes, severed appendage earrings, screen-printed cleavage, vagina necklaces...etc.) as myself, then Vladi Rapaport's Vanitas collection is perfect for you (and me...or just me.) The anatomy inspired furniture is described on Rapaport's website as being:

"A collection of products inspired by the Dutch "vanitas" still life paintings from the 16th and 17th century. The characteristic type of symbolic still life painting is the one where the symbols of emptiness, time and death were placed on the canvas as a reminder of the vanity of one's earthly life."

Eh, while some people, including the creator, may find these pieces a tad bit morbid, I can't help but think about what a talented artist Mother Nature is for coming up with such beautiful, intricate, and fully functional designs. These concepts should be flaunted, whether dangling from our earlobes, conquering our sweet tooth, or brightening up our rooms and propping up our more organic, still attached feet.

Or you could always go with the chic haunted house idea...
Count Dracula always was a pretty snazzy dresser.

Skull Chair

Brain Ottoman

Spine Lamp

http://vladirapaport.nl/

Amorous Anatomy

For all my single ladies out there who aren't planning on getting a ring on it by this Valentine's Day (I'm talking wedding ring, engagement ring, promise ring, complimentary onion rings...what have you) here are some sweet, cynical, and little more literal ideas to spend on the other single ladies in your life.

Heart Necklace
lilliancrowe.etsy.com
A beautifully crafted anatomically correct piece of amorous anatomy. It comes in many metals, but my personal favorite is this one in oxidized copper, which gives it a more antique quality, for those like me who are old at heart and obsessed with anything vintage, used, or ugly.

Bleeding Heart Cupcakes
http://www.yumsugar.com/1024600
Share your angst and conquer your sweet tooth
at the same time with these bloody Valentines.

Eat Your Heart Out Small Oval Plate
foldedpig.etsy.com
Perfect for eating your above hemorrhaging dessert on.

I personally find V-Day way more fun when I don't have anyone to buy me onion rings. But I guess I do have the bleeding heart of a cynic. I find cynicism funny. Perfection is boring, and no one else wants to hear how happy you are. Plus, nothing brings people together like hating something, am I right? But seriously, I enjoy painting my nails black (like my soul) and my lips (blood) red, getting pumped to "Sex Bomb", wishing people a happy Venereal Disease, and exchanging goodies with people who I know will never break my heart or make me incinerate perfectly good jewelry, underwear, or photobooth pictures a year from now. Unfortunately, this year I have a super sweet someone who already brings me chocolates, buys me dinner, and whispers sweet nothings in my ear year-round, so Valentine's Day is going to have a hard time feeling special. So all you single ladies out there, paint your pouts, exchange some angsty amorous anatomy, juggle some hearts, and rage a little harder for me next Sunday, as I will be wallowing in the arms of my loved one. Or you could just ban together and talk mad shit about me. Whatever makes your bloody Valentine's extra sweet. :)

Spine Tingling Adornment

I am so sad that bocagenewyork.com is sold out of their Snake Vertebrae Beads. Now what am I going to make my grandmother for Christmas??

But seriously, how badass would you be walking around, going to the post office, brushing your teeth...with a goddamn snake spine wrapped around your neck?

Dali Body Part Bling

Leaf veined hands you can wear on your ears or pinned to your chest? A diamond encrusted crying eyeball watch? Bling bling appendages for flower petals? Um, YES PLEASE. Dali knew what was up! I actually discovered these little gems pretty randomly. I was just walking down Bedford (a popular street in Williamsburg) sifting through all the books they sell on the side of the road, when I came upon a book devoted entirely to Dali's jewelry designs. How I was not graced with their presence before baffles me. You can view them all, and actually purchase replicas, at www.salvadordalimuseum.org. In addition to the Leaf Vein Hands being my favorite, I am pretty partial to the Living Flower Pin.

Leaf Vein Hand Earrings

Ruby Lips Pin

Eye of Time Pin

This Living Flower pendant would be even better if the hands moved on their own and grabbed flies and loose strands of hair and such.

In addition to the body part bling, I am also quite fond of this Space Elephant brooch.

I also kind of want this as a pet. How do you think I would go about breeding something like that?

The website also had "Dali Inspired" pieces.

Which involved melting clock wristwatches, that I'm pretty into.

As well as these, which I am really confused about. Can someone please refresh my memory as to the correlation between Salvador Dali and dangly, silver-plated clumps of dead baby fairy skulls? Anyone?

Modest Cleavage

Prostitutes, hippies, adolescent boys, and ironic hipsters everywhere can now rest easy knowing there is a way to expose someone's breasts in public and not be entirely shunned by society and/or fined. Mom won't let you wear that slutty top to Saturday's roller rink lock-in? Well now you can show her! Be artistic and screen-print your cleavage on a modest T-shirt! I can't wait to see a copy of urban city high schools' dress code in five years. 

2005: No low cut tops, baggy trousers, or bra straps showing.

2014: Also, no breasts on your T-shirts or vaginas tattooed to your kneecaps.   

2015: Actually, no reproductive anatomy paraphernalia in general. 

2020: If you have an ass tattooed to your bicep, you sure as hell better wear a sweater, and if your sweater has a penis embroidered on it make sure you bring a jacket.

But all kidding aside. 

I kind of love this photograph and how it decapitates and almost androgenizes the wearer.

I would also probably wear this in a heartbeat.

So who wants to be my prototype/inspiration for a jumpsuit?